Safety and Security

Elmcrest believes that structure provides children with a stable environment within which they can feel safe and secure. Structure consists of two components: routine and rules.

Children function best when the can count on certain things happening in the same way every day. Waking, taking meals, day care or school, play time, study time, bed time. Children take comfort in constancy and they can become grounded in that comfort.

On the other hand, children react to chaos chaotically. Even as adults, we know how we react to continuous change in our routines. We become harried, easily annoyed, confused, uncertain, and exhausted. Imagine how a child feels when they can't count on a routine. Their uncertainty and confusion breeds fear. What is known is comforting...what is unknown is scary.

In addition to routine, children need to know that there are rules to follow and boundaries to abide by. Those rules and boundaries need to be clear. You can do this, but you can't do that. Children need to learn how to abide by the rules and stay within the boundaries and when rules are broken or boundaries exceeded, then, there are consequences. Consistent administration and clear communication of the rules helps children feel secure.

Children need to be supervised at all times by a trusted, responsible adult. Whether in the backyard or the school yard…the ball field or the bus stop…children are at risk unless they are properly supervised. If parents can't supervise directly, they need to ensure that those to whom they entrust their children understand their responsibilities explicitly and are diligent in the fulfillment of those responsibilities.

To ensure a child's safety, it is incumbent upon parents that they know every adult and child who interact with their youngsters. Teachers, coaches, neighbors, friends, their parents and siblings, etc. all need to be scrutinized. Helpful tips and resources and information are available at the links at the end of this page.

Knowledgeable, vigilant parents and caregivers are the first line of defense in protecting children. The more we know about all aspects of a child's life, the safer they are.

Coupled with structure and supervision, children need to know that adults are going to respond to them and their behaviors in a consistent fashion. Children shouldn't get different answers from adults to the same questions. Parents need to be on the same page regarding what is appropriate behavior and appropriate consequences of bad behavior. Unity is the key. Children will manipulate parents who are not consistent in their approach to rules, behavior and discipline.

Likewise, parents should insist on that same consistency from other adults associated with their children. Out-of-home caregivers need to understand the family rules and enforce those rules to the best of their ability. Parents should communicate their expectations and insist that family rules be adhered to outside of the home as well.

For some great tips on dealing consistently with children and adolescents and their behaviors, try the About Parenting link at the bottom of this page.

Speak to, listen to and observe your child. Parents are often very good at the “speak to” part, but don't pay enough attention to the “listen” and “observe” parts.

There are two components to verbal communication—content and message. Content is simply the substance of the information you want to convey while message refers to how you convey it. The content, “Would you please clean your room” can take on a different meaning with tone of voice, inflection, and force. Parents and caregivers need to be aware of both content and message as they are talking with children. Be very clear when you want to express dissatisfaction or anger and be very clear when you are giving instruction or simply providing direction. Don't leave it up to the child to interpret your intent. Saying that you are upset, sad, excited, happy, etc. leaves no doubt about how you feel about a child's behavior, good or bad. Subsequently, the child can focus on the content of your message within the proper context eliminating the possibility of misinterpretation.

Listening and observing are acquired skills. Parents who engage their children in conversation on a variety of topics of interest to the child will learn volumes about their child by simply listening.

When talking with your child:

• Resist the urge to lecture or dominate the discussion. Active listening requires concentration and you simply can't talk and listen at the same time.
• Notice your child's body language, facial expressions, etc. and link them to the message that they are delivering. By doing so, you will soon be able to pick up on and understand the meaning of these non-verbal cues and deal with issues well in advance of a crisis.
• Try to identify what triggers your son or daughter's anger, laughter, sadness, elation, etc. Strategic use of this information can often help a parent avoid or defuse an upsetting, disruptive conversation.

By doing so, not only will you be able to shape your adult/child communications more effectively, you will be able to pick up on the moods that may be linked to other, more serious issues.

Helpful Resources:

• www.about.com/parenting
• www.preventchildabuse.org
• www.prevent-abuse-now.com
• www.criminaljustice.state.ny.us
• www.childwelfare.gov